Tips for Surviving Holiday Eating

Just start preparing yourself now.. Buy bigger jeans.

1.  DON'T eat carrot sticks.. this just should not be part of a holiday buffet.

2. ALWAYS wear the party hat from the bon bon

3. DON'T forget about the gravy... always use it! make a mashed potato volcano and fill it with gravy!

4. Make sure the potatoes are mashed!

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. 

6. DON'T exercise under any circumstance.

7. If you come across something really good on the buffet table.. sit close to it!
8. Applies for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. STAY AWAY from the fruit cake


10. always have seconds

11. DON'T judge others and other won't judge yourself.

12. Undo one button on your pants... if you don't it may pop off and hit Grandpa in the eye

13. Get out of there before you have to help with the cleaning.

14. When everybody is socialising away from the dining room... sneak back in for leftovers, no body will know that you're gone.

15. Eat all you can eat.. but push it, break your record!

Tips for Surviving the Male Species

I guess they don't do anything right so we'll have to make it ok for ourselves..

1. ALWAYS use tears as blackmail
2. NEVER try and give them hints... they never understand.
3. When a guy uses a pick-up line like 'If you were a burger at McDonalds i'd call you McBeautiful...'  WALK AWAY
4. If they turn and run when you pucker up... they probably aren't interested.
5. When a guy breaks up with you keep all his clothes... they are useful to practice your tie dye!
6. Always date someone taller than you
7. if your best mate is a player... DON'T set him up with a girl friend.
8. ALWAYS aim for a tradey.. they look good with dirt on their face.
9. If a guy punches a wall.. run.. you did something wrong!
10. Only talk to them during an ad break.. it's the only time they'll listen
11. DON'T ask them what they're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
12. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to.. expect an answer you don't want to hear.
13. Making a male sleep on the couch isn't punishment... it makes them feel like they are camping.
14. NEVER leave them alone around $3 beers.
15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and apparently neither do they.

Tips for surviving Writer's Block

So... writer's block sucks... all i have to say is (blank)

1. NEVER listen to your friends.

2. Attempt to eavesdrop on EVERYBODY.

3. Take up knitting.

4. Google it.

5. Ask your friends again.

6. ignore their sexual remarks.

7. Wear aviators.

8. Avoid cliches.

9. procrastinate.

10. Give up Facebook.

11. Think of puns.

12. Talk rubbish.

13. Look around for inspiration.

14. Plagerise.

15. Type something.

Tips for Surviving a Road Trip

Rockin' tunes, truck stops and unhygienic toilets. It is crucial to maintain a clear head on a road trip or things can get messy up in ere.

1. Have a good, well thought out playlist so you don't end up listening to ABBA

2. When your windscreen wiper breaks off in pouring conditions on a highway... DON'T scream... remain calm and pull over.

3. Don't listen to boys for directions... they have no idea.

4.  Trust the GPS and not your gut instinct.

5. Name your GPS Karen.

6. Pick up every hitch hiker you see.. they may give you $10 and you'll be able to afford the luxury of a Big Mac.

7. DON'T leave sausages to rot in your boot... There will be an abnormal smell, making it an unpleasant trip.

8. ALWAYS remember to pack underwear

9. ALWAYS be aware of where the exits are. You'll end up swerving in front of a truck and mounting a road island.

10. NEVER use a bathroom where you need a key.

11. Sing-a-long to Bohemian Rhapsody is a MUST.

12. If car is leaving before 8am... wear your pyjamas.

13. ALWAYS have a bag in hand... you never know when someone will need a little spewy.

14. Stock up on snacks and enery drinks... preferably sugary ones.

15. If someone in the car falls asleep, get a permanent marker and give them some whiskers.

Tips for Surviving University

  It's a wild place to be.. you can never be too careful. If you're struggling to keep up, you're going to need these tips and put them in action straight away if there's any hope of surviving.

1. NEVER spend your washing money on goon... you'll end up being very unhygienic ergo alienate yourself.

2. NEVER spontaneously drive to Picton to go ghost hunting... you'll get freaked out and smoke a rabbit with your car.

3. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
4. If a lecture is boring... start a mexican wave.

5. NEVER eat at the dingiest Chinese restaurant you can find... two words- food poisoning.

6. If an 8am class is required for your major... change your major.

7. Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.

8. NEVER drink red skin vodka.

9.  When picking a costume for a costume party.. remember that passing out on the campus lawn in a ninja turtle suit is no way to make friends (refer to tip 8).

10. ALWAYS avoid the chicken in the cafeteria.. Nobody wants bird flu.

11. ALWAYS lock your bedroom door.. if you don't you'll come back to your room being set up neatly outside.

12. NEVER shave your eyebrows.

13. Become nocturnal.

14. DON'T get a $692 speeding fine.

15. DON'T study more then you party.

A few Simple Tips for survival

It's a jungle out there and we can't all be like Bear Grylls so here are a few realistic survival tips that don't include drinking deer blood.

1. NEVER let a blonde lead the blind

2. when texting the guy you like about popcorn NEVER under any circumstances refer to it as poop corn.

3. Always be alone on Valentines Day (your boyfriend will end up taking you to a really fancy restaurant to surprise you, and... you end up wearing a T-shirt)

4. Never eat the cookie icecream before dinner under ANY circumstance.. it will spoil it.

5. When in an awkward position with a guy you're not interested in GET OUT NOW don't be stay to be polite.

6. Have a squishie a day for breakfast

7. NEVER eat a whole chilli regardless of how much money you are offered

8. Make sure you put enough money in the dryer so all your clothes dry (Wet jeans don't slide on easy)

9. NEVER sew up crotch holes in your jeans whilst wearing them (you may sew the jean legs together or puncture your thighs)

10. NEVER laugh at an inappropriate time

11. Try really hard to NOT call your teacher mum

12. NEVER poop at a party.. no matter how bad you need to go

13. NEVER squeeze the juice container in hope it will come out faster... It will take up more time as most of it will end up on the floor

14. NEVER stand alone and sway when you’re at a bar... you’ll get kicked out   

15. NEVER leave a candle burning when you leave your room for a long period of time... you’ll return to the house of wax

The Early Bird Catches the worm

So, being a university student that lives on campus, I’ve become quite a nocturnal owl. When the sun sets, the activities begin. Whether it’s partying or just sitting around, there is not a night when I go to bed before 2:30am. Is this now the life of a uni student? The only reason to wake up in the day is to attend class and once you’re home you feel awful nappy, so it’s back to bed.

    Night time is the best time to do washing. All the washing machines are free so you can take up as many as you want (highly efficient). I have also become pretty familiar with 24/7 Kmart in Shellharbour, so really there is no need to function like a normal person.

   Lately I have still had the same falling asleep pattern, but have been rising at 8am. What is this?! I don’t want to be awake! I toss and turn and sink to the bottom of my bed in an attempt to fall asleep but have no choice but to get out of bed. My point? I finally understand the phrase; the early bird catches the worm. I never even knew what BREAKFAST was. Did you know the campus cafeteria has hash browns? That’s good squishie! So don’t waste a day in bed and don’t waste a night in bed. Let us all be vampires and never sleep!

Porno Puddle Jump

Pretty Fly For a White Guy indeed

Aloha pineapples!

I got shown something extremely entertaining today on YouTube and it came to my realisation that when i am sitting around doing nothing (which is pretty often) i surf YouTube for hours on end.. this makes me realise that i have a very satisfying life. Living on Campus where all you have is a bedroom you don't have much to do. That also explains why i'm always in my bed. Anyway check it out, it's called Gingers do have souls and i enjoyed it.. i also enjoy gingers
 
 Also a word of advice.. don't ever promise more than one person that you'll go and see a movie with them. I went and sat through Inception for the third time tonight.. it's a great movie but now i have officially wasted 8.5 hours of my life watching that movie and put on who knows how many calories from the 3 bags of m&ms and jumbo cokes that i consumed in those 8.5 hours! catch catch catch YOU!

Forced to question my character!

One thing that really gets to me is when you go out for lunch to have a really, really good feast and somebody orders a sandwich. This happened to me today and it got on my nerves as it made me feel extremely guilty to buy something battered and deep fried like what I really wanted. Now normally i wouldn't really care but i was with a health freak so i only had one choice to go for the sandwich in order to create the illusion that my thighs were thinner.

 

      So because i had a health crazed person staying in my room, i went for two walks in one day.. if you knew me.. you'd know this wasn't me. In the process though i witnessed a beautiful sunset which was worth any amount of muscle ache. It was also out of character for me to spend a day in the Library studying.. is this person a good influence? I don't know how bout you decide! Keep Behaving!

Another Day... Where's the Dollar?

So it turned out of course to be yet another day in bed. I really love bed.. i think when i go to heaven it will be full of the world's greatest beds! There's also this really sweet club in Surfers Paradise called Bedroom which is almost one of my favourite places if clubbing was essential as i'm not much of a dancer really and this way i can just have a nap.. it usually gets pretty late when your're at those sorts of places.


 I feel pretty protected when i'm in bed.. like nothing at all will get to me. I'm one of those people who needs to sleep with a doona every night.. even in the middle of Summer. I never believed in things like security blankets until i realised nothing can get through my doona! it is supernatural. Bye Folks!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall.. who's unfair?

 
Dear Diary,
What a lazy day today was. I surfaced at 12.30pm and would've been happy to sleep longer but the thudding on my door was enough to explode my brain. I eventually got out of bed and walked two metres tothe bathroom for a shower then i did not leave the cave (my bedroom) until 4.30pm when i was forced to sit through another monotonous lecture. I was pretty happy to return to my bedroom. i should get incense or something to make it more serene.
 
When i finally dragged my sorry self out of bed and got to uni i started to ponder on the thought of how i would get home. A camel? A Go-Kart? A spaceship? Awesome, i'll use the camel today... so i ventured to the bus stop. It was my first experience using the free bus, one experience i hope to never repeat. Trying to get onto the bus was like a pack of wolves fighting for Bambi! Once it was confirmed that i had a spot on the bus, people pushed and shoved and my cheek was smooshed up against the window and i looked like one of those freaks in the movies who miss the bus and push their cheek up against the door in hope they'll be let on. Only difference was, i was actually on the bus. It was a sweaty sea of bodies.

 I don't rate my bus experience a 10/10, maybe a 2. So next Thursday it's determined that i will drive. Hang in there for an interesting day folks!

A day in the life..

Hey kid goats!
Today was a rough one... 2 words.. Doctor's surgery! The potent smell of antiseptic filled my nostrils! my palms started to sweat as i waited for the Doctor's voice to pierce my ears with the words 'Olivia Lambert, you're next!'

After that i decided i'd venture home. About 2 weeks ago i purchased a 1.5m long blue lava lamp! The best thing you will ever look at! I got home and switched it on and the lightbulb kicked the bucket. I attempted to unscrew the lightbulb but instead shattered it and now the lava lamp will no longer work.

Well if a broken lava lamp and seeing a Doctor are the worst parts of my day then bring it on! I had a donut for dinner so there is a great plus side!
Bye :)